Friday, September 21, 2012

Five Halloween Resolutions You Must Promise to Keep

Tomorrow, September 22nd, marks the first day of Fall.  J. W. Ocker, who runs the Odd Things I’ve Seen Website has an amazing philosophy that I am proudly stealing.  *Ahem, I mean, adopting.  Ocker said that he celebrates Halloween from the first day of Fall until November 1st.  To honor his brilliant idea, I will be posting a lot of articles celebrating everything associated with the Night of The Dead.

Halloween lets us be truly free.  Masks reveal our true characters.  For one night we celebrate death, the strange, and the creative; in other words, we acknowledge our imagination.

In order to help you foster the same feeling of appreciation for the holiday that I have, I have made a self-help article regarding resolutions.  Yes, I know that resolutions are associated with New Year’s Drinking, I mean New Year’s Eve.  But bear with me, and you will see how a few resolutions will make this the best feast of Samhain ever.

Candy Resolution
You know you are going to buy the huge bag of candy from Costco or Sam’s Club.  And you know that you are going to eat most of that bag before the 31st of October.
It’s perfectly fine--trust me.
Halloween has become the only holiday left that involves candy and no religious hang-ups (thanks for screwing things up, Easter).  Unless you are Jehovah’s Witnesses or devout Christians (in which case, go evangelize elsewhere), you are permitted to enjoy the candy guilt free.  This is allowed because all year long we agonize about what we eat.  Sure, we splurge.  But then we feel guilty about it.  So let the magic of Halloween suspend your pangs of consciousness about overdoing it with the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  You have so many other holidays to worry about what you have eaten.  Let this one go.
 Costume Resolution
This is the one resolution that I need to be gender specific.  Guys, promise yourself that you will get a picture taken with a lovely lady in a slutty costume.  Trust me, it’s the one night of the year to randomly ask a woman for a picture and not get maced.  You will have something to post on Facebook and Twitter.  And if you Instagram your picture, you are an idiot and don’t deserve a computer.  Ladies, I don’t care how bad your self-image is.  On Halloween, everyone is beautiful.  Wear a great costume that shows off the goods.  Men will be asking for pictures, so don’t turn them down.  They mean no disrespect; they are flattering you.  So pick a great costume that will be dangerous, sexy, and fun.
 Jack O’ Lantern Resolution
It’s hot, sticky, wet, and messy.  You have such a dirty mind because I was talking about carving a pumpkin.  Okay, so you aren’t so artistic.  Don’t worry.  There’s a magic that goes along with dropping a candle into the most heinously carved pumpkin.  The result is a spooky, wonderful jack o’ lantern.  Don’t fret it; just do it.  And bonus points if you are of age and drink a pumpkin beer while doing so.  More bonus points for you if you are not of age and sneak a pumpkin beer.
 Cartoon Resolution
Find some time to watch It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  I’m not going to explain.  When you finish watching it, you will understand.
 Haunted House Resolution
Find a haunted house in your area.  Don’t go to those big, customized houses that are just ads for Eyeglass Hut.  Yes, I’m saying don’t bother with the theme parks, either.  Find a great haunted house that hires local teens.  Go with a group of friends.  Or go by yourself.  No one will judge you because all they want to do is scare you.  This is a safe fear—not the kind where the doctor tells you to sit down or the lawyer grins at how much money he will make on your case.  No, this is the good fear.  So be sure to scream.  Yes, both women and men.  Scream your head off.  It’s more therapeutic than that psychiatrist you are paying $700 an hour.

If you are lucky, you have about seventy-five years on this planet.  If you are unlucky, those last few days will be in some bleach-smelling hospital with nurse taking your rectal temperature every two hours.  Create some memories to savor.  Give yourself one good year of Halloween remembrances to occupy your mind while you are breathing your last.

Keep rising from the graves of ignorance, my Zombies.

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