Golfers have gathered from around the world to play the sport in the hallowed green fields of Augusta, Georgia. There’s a rich, storied history that goes along with the hallowed game of golf—and I could give a shit less about it.
What I do love are golf movies. Just the same way I can’t stand the sport of baseball yet still take great pleasure from films like Bull Durham and Major League. So if something uber-cool were to happen like the characters* from golf movies playing a round at Augusta, this is what the leader board would look like at the end of regulation play.
*I know that some of these movie characters are based on real-life people. Movies are better than real life, so don’t bust my dimpled balls over it.
-1 Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy
Tin Cup, 1996. Kevin Costner knows his way around a film or two. He locked horns with Al Capone, The Sheriff of Nottingham, and a haunted cornfield (why didn’t they call the Ghostbusters?). Costner will even be playing Superman’s dad in the next version of the Man of Steel due out next year. And that’s why he finished with a great run after a week’s play. Sure he didn’t place better, but that’s Costner’s style—always great, but never the greatest.
-3 Francis Ouimet
The Greatest Game Ever Played, 2005. Shia Lebouf spent his career trying to be Harrison Ford. Or Brad Pitt. But there’s one role he was born to play: a young Jeff Goldblum. Lebouf and Goldblum need to revisit Isla Nublar and run from some dinosaurs. It’s for that reason alone he earns a finishing place in this round.
-4 Happy Gilmore
Happy Gilmore, 1996. Adam Sandler brought a unique charm to the screwball comedy about a failed hockey player turned reluctant golfer. Sandler’s week at Augusta started strong, but stunk in the final rounds. Kind of like his movie career. I know that while peeing next to him at the urinals Sandler could whip out his huge bank account and humble me. But like the Kurgan said in church while quoting the holy scripture of the Gospel of Def Leppard, “It’s better to burn out than to fade away…”
-5 Bagger Vance
The Legend of Bagger Vance, 2000. You know what Tiger Woods and Wil Smith both have in common? They’re both fun to watch. And you are a racist. Tiger hasn’t been doing well, but he’s a fighter. Wil Smith fought mutants, aliens, robots, and homelessness. Heck, he even fought out on the ‘Philly playgrounds. That’s why he comes in a smooth second, and he gets the Gatorade endorsement, too. His charisma makes you feel okay to see a tall black man swat a tiny white ball with a club. Take that, hockey!
-7 Danny Noonan
Caddyshack, 1980. Coming in at seven under par, Danny Noonan wins the Masters at Augusta with or without the use of explosives. Not only does he resemble Rory Mcilroy, but Noonan and Mcilroy both bag some hot women. And like Caddyshack, once again it’s the underdog who comes out on top. So take that, you snobby old white guys who are on the board of Augusta. As Al Czervik would say, “Let’s all get laid” or if you only saw the edited version, “Let’s all take a shower.”
So there’s the 2012 Augusta movie character leader board. An overall impressive performance, and not once did anyone have to sit through a dick pill commercial.